Style Conversational Week 1278: Our stable geniuses The Style Invitational Empress surveys the crowded field of the Pun for the Roses Certainly fitting, but not inking: Some of the entries for Week 1274; if the same entry was sent by four or more people, it was scratched. (Screen image) By Pat Myers close Image without a caption Pat Myers Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003 Email Email Bio Bio Follow Follow May 3, 2018 at 2:56 p.m. EDT [“Stable Geniuses” was submitted by half a dozen people as a headline for this week’s results.] *First thing*: /For those who are going to try our Week 1278 “grandfoals” contest — and I hope that’s all of you; what do you have to lose? — you’ll want the handy-dandy list of all 68 of this week’s inking foal names at the bottom of this page. It’s courtesy of Loser Jesse Frankovich, who, minutes after this week’s results went up online, had compiled it and posted it on the Style Invitational Devotees Facebook page. / Our annual foal name contest always draws a much bigger pool of entries than most Style Invitationals, but the pool for Week 1274, whose results run today, was about 10 percent larger than last year’s. That’s something that delights me in an age when being 25 years old (the Invitational, not me; I’m 12) is not exactly considered a virtue. The final count by Loser Jonathan Hardis, who sorts them alphabetically for me every year (since Word won’t do what I need) was 4,213 entries, whittled from an initial count of 4,350 after Jonathan discovered groups of entries that some people had submitted multiple times. And so the bar was very high as I judged the foal names; my first cut consisted of a punoramic list of 317 entries, which I had to pare to 68. I /easily/ could have printed a list of 68 more names from that list and would have been happy with the results. ABSOLUTELY, if you entered and didn’t get ink this week, one of your entries would have been in that group. (I don’t publish my “shortlist” because it would put a lot of joke possibilities out of commission for this week’s grandfoal contest and future contests.) As you can see from the little sliver of printout pictured above, there was (as always) lots of duplication among the entries, even with 100 horses to combine (that’s 4,950 possible pairings of two of the horses) and, of course, an infinite number of punning possibilities. Here are /some/ of the names that were entered too frequently: Mr. President x World of Trouble (or Gotta Go) = It’s Mueller Time Ali x B On Time = Sting like a B Big Brown Bear x Gotta Go = In The Woods Explorer x Alpha to Omega = Vasco da Gamma Audible x Clever Mind = Heard Mentality Ax Man x Mr. President = You’re Fired Big Brown Bear x Mr. President = Grizzly Adams Nero x Blame the Rider (or Pony Up) = FiddlerOnTheHoof Talon x Blame the Rider (or Pony Up) = Clawed Reins Catholic Boy x Hollywood Star (or Machismo) = Altar Ego Catholic Boy x Mississippi = Altared State Silver Hammer x Clever Mind = Maxwell Smart Mendelssohn x Family Kitten = Felix the Cat Family Kitten x Mr. President = Fake Mews Private Eye x Family Kitten = Sam Spayed Replicator x Family Kitten = Copy Cat Most Amusing x Nero = Fiddle Shticks Private Eye x Numero Thirteen = Dick Trece Big Brown Bear x Bolt d’Oro (or Gold Town) = Ursa Miner In some cases, I got the same name multiple times, but one cross of parents seemed to work better than others. For example, I got at least four entries for Kodiak Moment, but I felt that the cross of Big Brown Bear with Beautiful Shot was better than with Personal Time, since a “Kodak moment” refers to a photo opportunity. If the crosses were different but seemed equally effective, I’d choose one and credit both people. *Note: *If you weren’t credited for the /same /cross that got ink with someone else’s name, let me know as soon as possible and I’ll credit you at least online. (This already happened with Bon Bon Voyage, which is why is has the otherwise disqualifying four credits.) I basically ran out of time to do that last entry-by-entry double-check for duplication. It’s been a pretty busy week. As I scanned 229 pages of printouts — I conveniently found myself in doctors’ waiting rooms over the past week — I found myself noticing the funny puns among the foal names before checking the crosses. While many of this week’s inking entries don’t have a self-contained pun — the wordplay comes from clever playing on the crosses — the pun names probably had an advantage (unless they were old puns — pleez, people, no more Putin On the Ritz). I’m hoping, but can’t guarantee, that/none/ of these 68 horse names appeared as a cross between two of the thousands and thousands of previous inking names since 2004. (I did catch a couple of funny names we’d already done, like We the Peephole.) As usual, we had more than the usual number of First Offenders getting ink — eight of them this week — and as unusual, one of them wins the whole contest. Congratulations to Luke Baker of Columbia, Md., who rose above literally hundreds of Mr. President foals to mate B on Time with Mr. President to make F on Policy. Luke will be getting his Fir Stink air “freshener” along with his Lose Cannon trophy — so he’ll have to keep entering the Invite to win a magnet like everyone else. Looking forward to it! Our three runners-up, the other occupants of this week’s Losers’ Circle, are all Invite veterans; Beth Morgan (33 blots of ink) and Laurie Brink (55) pretty much restrict themselves to the horse contests, where they both have impressive records over the years, while Rob Wolf has sopped up his 46 blots of ink from a variety of contests. *What Doug Dug: * Ace Copy Editor Doug Norwood enjoyed the whole field this week, but he especially liked the work of all the First Offenders. I hope all of them become recidivists. *HUH? YOURS AND MINE* Since I published this week’s results in the past few hours, I’ve heard from some Losers who didn’t get some of the entries. Here are a few explainers: remember that one’s person’s “duh” is another’s “oh, I’d never have gotten that in a million years.” Nero x Demolition = Rex (Beth Morgan) “Rex” is Latin for king; Rex/wrecks Alpha to Omega x Ax Man = LambdaTheSlaughter (Laurie Brink) Fun with Greek letters. Mt. Rushmore x Private Eye = Secret Dakota Ring (Rob Wolf) Mount Rushmore is in South Dakota; the “secret decoder ring” was often given out as a cheap prize a kid could get by sending in cereal box tops, etc. B on Time x Mr. President = F on Policy (Luke Baker) A nifty switch from “B” as a verb to “F” as a letter grade. Mr. President x Walk in the Sun = Jirque du Soleil (Jon Gearhart) Cirque du Soleil translates to “Circus of the Sun.” Alpha to Omega x Arrival = Eta (First Offender Dave Wyman) More Greek letter fun; I think it worked better as “Eta,” the name of the letter, than as ETA — just one more little thing to figure out and then get that much more of a smile Numero Thirteen x Zing Zang = I Speak Foreign (Mike Gips) may have confused people because it’s not a pun; it’s playing on the fact that both names sound like bad attempts to speak a foreign language. Retirement Fund x Ali = The Roth of Khan (Matthew Sheren) The Roth IRA, a retirement plan; Khan and Ali as common Muslim names; Ali Khan is the host of “Cheap Eats.” “The Wrath of Khan” is the second Star Trek movie. Still Having Fun x One More Tom = One More, Tom (Ellen Raphaeli, Tom Witte) I love little changes like commas that change the meaning of a whole sentence. I’m tempted to do a contest for this but worry it will fail. Pony Up x Bail Out = Too Big to Foal (David Peckarsky) “Too big to fail” was the rationale for government bailouts of America’s largest banks in the 2008 recession. Biblical x Noble Indy = Miracle Whip (Pamela Love) Referencing Indiana Jones and his bullwhip. Bolt d’Oro x Replicator = Usain Clone Posse (Mary McNamara) Usain Bolt, the fastest man in the world; Insane Clown Posse, the hip-hop duo whose cult following has sometimes been called a gang. Bugle Notes x Gotta Go = Nope, Bone Spurs (Wilson Varga, J. Larry Schott) A foot ailment that seemed to affect only young men who were eligible for the Vietnam era draft. The Healthiest President Ever had a very bad case. Dream Friend x Call a Cop = Incubusted (Kevin Dopart) An incubus, according to myth, is a male demon believed to have sexual intercourse with sleeping women. I also got an entry (with a different cross) for Succubusted, alluding to the female equivalent. Exclamation Point x Mr. President = Punked You Asians (Harvey Smith) Punctuation. Family Kitten x Walk in the Sun = Hot Tin Roof (Elliott Gilberg) The Tennessee Williams play “Cat on a Hot Tin Roof ” Good Magic x World of Trouble = David Cop a Feel (Steve Fahey) Magician David Copperfield. Gronkowski x Exclamation Point = Worst.Musical.Ever (David Smith, Stockton, Calif.) Joking on the tendency of Broadway musical titles to contain exclamation points. Like “Oklahoma!” and “Oliver!” and “Hello, Dolly!” Hollywood Star x Justify = They Let You (Connie Schott) “And when you’re a star they let you do it. You can do anything ... Grab them by the pussy. You can do anything.” — Abraham Lincoln Lone Sailor x Chaps = Village Person (Bill Smith) Playing on “lone” and the iconically gay group the Village People, whose members dressed in stereotypical macho costumes such as cowboy, and who recorded a song called “In the Navy.” Mendelssohn x Hollywood Star = Felix and Oscar (Malcolm Fleschner, Kathy Hardis Fraeman) Composer Felix Mendelssohn; the “Odd Couple” characters of Felix and Oscar; Hollywood’s Oscars. Mr. President x Arrival = The Ego Has Landed (Pam Sweeney) “The Eagle has landed” — first report from the moon. Mr. President x Firenze Fire = Donnie’s Inferno (Elizabeth Kline) Firenze is the Italian name for the city of Florence, home to Dante, author of “The Inferno” and its sequel, “Inferno II: Burn, Baby, Burn.” Mr. President x Replicator = So Much Twinning (Chris Doyle) “We will have so much winning if I get elected that you may get bored with the winning.” — Dante Nero x Bravazo = Fiddle DD (Jeff Shirley) Emperor Nero legendarily “fiddled while Rome burned.” DD is for the “bra” of Bravazo. Quip x Yee Haw = Yuk Owens (J.D. Berry) Buck Owens was the host of the down-home variety show “Hee Haw.” Retirement Fund x Firenze Fire = Roth to a Flame (Bill Dorner) See Roth of Khan above. Retirement Fund x Numero Thirteen = 401 Que? (Ben Aronin) The federal 401(k) retirement program; “Que?” is Spanish. Rucksack x Mr. President = Sack (Jonathan Hardis) “Sack” as in “fire him.” Runaway Ghost x Yee Haw = PhantomOfTheOpry (Jerome Uher) As in the Grand Ole Opry, a mecca for old-time country music. Silver Hammer x Bolt d’Oro = Maxweld (Roger Dalrymple) “Maxwell’s Silver Hammer” is a jaunty Beatles song about a serial killer; “d’oro” is “of gold.” Strike Power x Walk in the Sun = Norma Ray-Ban (Chuck Helwig) “Norma Rae,” the movie about a labor activist; Ray-Ban sunglasses Tough Times x Gold Town = Hard Knox (Rick Haynes) as in Fort Knox, the U.S. government’s gold repository Tres Equis x Justify = X~~~~~~~X~~~~~~~X (Jeff Contompasis) Tres Equis translates to “three X’s” (not three horses, as some people seemed to guess); justified type is text that is spaced out to line up on both left and right. Another nifty touch: Instead of hyphens or dashes to justify the X’s, Jeff used a row of tildes, the Spanish accent mark. So you get the idea about what to do for the grandfoals, right? Not every element has to be incorporated, especially when a parent’s name already includes a pun. But it helps if you play at least on the most conspicuous component of a name; for Norma Ray-Ban, for example, you might get away with ignoring “Norma,” but not “Ray-Ban.” If history predicts the coming week and a half, I’ll get about half the entries for Week 1278 as for Week 1274, so your odds will be better. And you still get 2,278 combinations to work with. *THEY SHOOT EMPRESSES, DON’T THEY? I DIDN’T GET THESE. SO...* I couldn’t figure these out. Replicator x Telekinesis = Sci-Fi Horses Ways Most Amusing x Mr. President = Bi-sinistrous Sips My Dream x Seven Trumpets = Bik and Six (Maybe Bix as in Beiderbecke?) Slot x Quip = Slot Har Write to me and I’ll explain them next week. ** *DQ: The Unprintables:* A few of the horse names that wouldn’t make it past the taste police (looking up the authors as I write): ** Family Kitten x My Boy Jack = Cat-e-jism (Edward Gordon) Zing Zang x Slot = Ben Wa Balls (Jon Ketzner) Personal Time x For Him = A Sticky Sock (Matthew Zimmer; “...maybe convo only?” he correctly guessed) Clever Mind x Good Magic = Cunning Stunt (Chris Doyle “[Convo only]” he insisted. Yeah, no prob.) Most Amusing x Dawood = Funny Boner (Mark Raffman — even when we quote the leader of the free world saying "pussy” and “shithole,” I don’t think I can say “boner) Gronkowski x Tres Equis = Tight Ends (Beth Morgan) XXX as in porn *WATCH FOR YOUR FLUSHIES INVITATION!* Here’s the Facebook link for the invitation to the 23rd annual Flushies, the Losers’ own awards (potluck) banquet and songfest. I’ll be sending out an Evite as well; write me to get your name added, though I’ll link here to it next week as well. It’s on Saturday, June 9, noon to 4, in McLean, Va. Please rearrange your wedding plans, jail time, etc., to make this important event. Michelle Wolf isn’t expected, but I’m hoping for Rob Wolf. His voice is more pleasant, anywayy Here’s the list for Week 1278, all nice and alphabetized. Thanks again to Jesse Frankovich. Absorba the Greek Big Brown Bare Bon Bon Voyage Cashless Clay Cassius Claymore David Cop a Feel Donnie’s Inferno Eta F on Policy Felix and Oscar Fiddle DD Fighter Pilate For Her 401 Que? Gaseous Clay Genital Ben GhoulsOutForSummer Hard Knox HeFollowedMeHome Hock Finn Hot Tin Roof How I Met Yo Mama Hurt Dateeth I Got Ink! I Speak Foreign Incubusted Invisible Ink It’s Still a Sin Jacob’s Bladder Jirque du Soleil Kodiak Moment LambdaTheSlaughter Laugh Savings Magna Cum Loud Maxweld Mind Over Martyr Miracle Whip MLK and Cookies Noah Veil Nope, Bone Spurs Norma Ray-Ban Ol’ Man Ripper One More, Tom Penn and Yeller PhantomOfTheOpry Punked You Asians Questosterone Rex Roamin’ Emperor Roth to a Flame Ruckus in the Sack Sack Secret Dakota Ring Smart Ash Sneezy Listening So Much Twinning Splitting Heirs The Ego Has Landed The Roth of Khan They Let You Too Big to Foal Twain Usain Clone Posse Village Person Wit Man’s Sampler Worst.Musical.Ever X~~~~~~~X~~~~~~~X Yuk Owens